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Reassessment

September 22, 2010

It’s been almost a year since I’ve posted something new on this site and as a writer, I have to say that I’m disappointed in myself. Of course I can use grad school as an excuse, but I know it would be BS. To be honest, it’s been a mix of being too busy to write, forgetting to write, not knowing what to write and just plain ole not feeling like writing.

Now that I’m three months away from graduating, I have a lot to reflect on, looking back at the past year. When I first decided I was going to start blogging again, I read through my past posts to jog my memory of the last year. My first thought while reading was, “Ugh, this is all so banal!” Had I always been this trite? I was annoyed at how optimistic and naive my year-ago self was, as the me today is a lot more jaded and cynical (blame it on New York and grad school, a deadly combination). But then I started to envy her; she was bright-eyed and excited about school, had a fresh outlook on life and seemed ready to take on the world.

Fast forward a year later and how I’m feeling can only be described in two words: over it.

I’m over school, over New York and perhaps even over journalism. That’s right, I said it. I finally acknowledged the big, pink elephant that’s been standing in the room for the past eight months. Not to say that I don’t like any of these things, but constantly stressing over them has taken a toll on me and I am an entire hay bale past the straw that broke the camel’s back. Jschool has taught me a lot these past two semesters and I don’t regret anything that I’ve done or that has happened, but in addition to learning how to be a reporter, I’ve also learned more about myself. I know that sounds lame, but seriously, in addition to learning how to write a lede or conduct an interview, I’ve also learned what I don’t want to do.

I don’t want to work a job where I am constantly “on call” and have to be ready and available at a moment’s notice all day, every day. I don’t want to have the constant loom of deadlines hovering over me (although, I have to admit that I work damn well under deadline). I don’t want to get that nauseous, heavy feeling of dread every morning because I know I have to go in to work. I also don’t want to get that feeling every time I check my email, either.

Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t become a complete Debbie-Downer. I’ve also started discovering what it is I do want to do. I still love writing. I love editing. I love making websites and nitpicking them until they’re perfect (check out QuirkyNYC for proof). I love reading and seeing how stories come together. So I know all hope is not lost.

In addition to this published epiphany, I also want to state that this blog will also reflect my personal changes. No longer will it be just about jschool, or just about New York. Until I figure out a niche for it (if I do at all), I will be posting whatever, whenever I feel like. I remember I used to be leery of what I posted because I didn’t want to be judged. But after a year of anxiety attacks and lessons learned, I no longer give a damn. So, consider this long rant my manifesto.

Interestingly enough, these next three months will most likely be more interesting than the first three!

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. September 22, 2010 3:44 PM

    I’m ready to hear whatever you’ve got to say!! Can’t wait 🙂

  2. Sonja Waller permalink
    October 5, 2010 10:56 AM

    Reading about your reassessment was very refreshing. I can see how you have matured in your writing and your thinking over the past year. And I’m even prouder then I was before. Whatever you decide to do, just do your best. We have your back:)!!!

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